Be warned this blog can be very emotional and may cause tears!
This blog spawns from a song I heard on the radio. Usually if a song start talking about passing away or leaving or anything along those lines I change it quick. But Wednesday night was different. Mercy Me's Homesick came on and I made myself listen to it. By the end of the song tears were streaming down my face and my chest physically hurt. If you get a chance to listen to it do so but not in a moving car.
For the past month or so work has enabled me to put the sad thoughts in the back of my mind. The only problem with this is that they reappear as dreams. There have been very few nights that I did not dream that Kathy was still around and awoke to the shocking discovery that I was wrong. Waking up once or twice a night to that horrific realization can really mess with your head.
Anyway back to the song. There is a part that kind of asks when does the singer get the chance to go to heaven too. I want to start off by letting you all know that I have no plans, or have I ever had plans of ending my own life. This is more of a "Hey God you can take me know, I ready and willing" kind of thing. Every once in a while I will lie in bed and almost wish that the next breathe was my last and the next thing I saw was God with Kathy by his side. But then I am reminded that I have a son who I love that needs me here. The shattered piece of my heart move in two direction.
For those of you who don't know my brother just got married to a great girl. I think she is a great fit for the family. But that did not make the wedding any less painful. I did alright for most of it. The only time I almost lost it is during the wedding there was a slide show of baby pictures and one of my sister in laws pictures reminded me of one of Kathy's. This coupled with the fact that Kathy was not there for this hit me hard.
My heart has become a little cold at times. When I am around couples, I find myself wondering which one of them has to pick up the pieces of their life when the other one dies. (I did warn you this was a tough blog, it is even tougher to write then it is to read.) I try not to see people that way, but my rose colored glasses got stepped on and all I have for the moment is the dark welding goggles.
I am write you all this, not so you will sorry for me, not so you have a reason to pity me, but because most of you reading this know and love me and Micah. So when you ask me how I am doing and I tell you "I'm doing well" know that I have to say that just to take the next breathe. I know that Micah needs me, and that God has a plan for both of us, but it sure would be nice not to hurt for a little while.
If you get nothing out of this but this then that is fine. Your prayers get me out of bed in the morning, get me in the shower, drive me to work, give me the power to teach the wonderful 19 students I havein my class, get me home, and give me the strength to love Micah enough for two parents. Please do not stop! I am not alright. I am standing only by Gods power. I love you all and promise the next post will be the regular warm and fuzzy with happy pictures of my beautiful son.
As always tell people you love them, never assume that they really know how much.
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9 comments:
We love you lots and our hearts are breaking with yours. Our prayers have never ceased. Love - Daun
Thank you for writing what you did. I continue to pray for you (even though I have never met you, nor do you know me). I have been keeping up with you thru this blog for months now and praying. I must say you are such a strong witness for Christ and I thank you for that. You are also teaching me by posts like this one how I need to be praying for a man at our church who recently lost his wife. He is left to raise a 12 year old daughter alone now. We hurt so much for him and wish there were something we could do. That is when we realize that we can do nothing but pray. Your words are helping me know how to pray for you and our dear friend. Thank you.
We are glad you told us to not read the blog till you and Micah left tonight. We feel the same way most of the time. We love you and miss Kathy too. How are we supposed to plan parties without her? And everything else too.
Still, it is a difficult but good reminder that heaven really is our home. Kathy, the late sleeper, beat us there. But it is good to be restless here and longing for the fulfillment of all God's promises. We are glad you came over tonight and we had a good time.
Love, Mark, Janet, and the brown one (little Nathan)
it is good to hear your honesty and openness about how you feel... and I know it helps you to get it out there at times...
I know how hard it was when I lost my dad, it felt like my world had crashed, but no one noticed -the world kept spinning and everyone else went on about their lives... I think the best advice someone ever gave me was "It doesnt ever get better, but it does get easier." And that turned out to be true.... I will always miss my dad and the grandpa he could have been to my children - I mourn that for them, but it has gotten easier - the bad memories fade and only the good ones are left, so when I think about him now, I can smile... yes, there are still tears at times, but less often... and not b/c the love has faded, but b/c it becomes more real to know that I am who I am b/c of what He was and gave to me...
sorry to be rambling, but I do want you to know that you are not crazy or weird or abnormal, and its ok to still be in grieving.... and its ok to talk about it.... and to let you know that it does get easier.... its a slow, slow process, but it does happen...
still praying for you guys....
drew and i love you and we are still praying for you!!! big hugs from the sanfords!!!!!!
Oh Nathan! My heart is breaking for you! I can only imagine losing my husband! I lost my furbaby, Brinkley, almost 2 years ago and that was and still is hard enough. Please know that you're in my continued prayers!
You have taught me something from your blog - not to ask a person in mourning how they are doing. Everyone that asks you is truly sincere and I'm sure you know they are. Now my heart is trying to figure out something more appropriate to ask to not seem to slap you or anyone with the reality and reminder of the situation. Do you need anything? Can I give you a hug? Or is just a smile enough?
As hard as it is for you, it's comforting to know that you will be okay - eventually. No one expects you will be "okay" overnight - it's more of levels of coping and making the best of living in God's honor. Your love for Kathy shows daily with your determination to go on with life and raise the beautiful son you are blessed with. There are many stages of grief to go through. You have lots of people that care so lean on every one them. Your faith in God is inspiring and uplifting. Micah is so fortunate to have you as his father.
My brother's wife died on Thurs of last week after several years of illness. There are no children involved. There are family issues and they, nor my parents, have had anything to do with our family for several years. A friend saw the obituary and called me. It's heartbreaking that they are not Christians. If he has no faith I don't know how he will make it.
God loves you and Micah - remember that always.
Love and hugs,
Heather
Your honesty is so heartwrenching, but it does make it easier to know how to pray for you. I told Linda the other day that I often hesitate to ask how she is doing because I don't want to make her cry at school. Seeing how easily those tears come is a big reminder to me of how fresh your grief is. I know you are walking a tough road, and am so thankful that you all have each other and your incredible faith in God to get you through each day. He IS so good. And sweet Micah's smile is like a ray of sunshine!
I continue to pray for you and your family. I understand that grief doesn't end after the funeral. You will need the support of others for a long time. (I lost both of my parents by the time I was 19) You are on my heart. Thank you for being real so others know how to pray for you. May God continue to bless you with strength, endurance and joy just to deal with each day .. one day at a time.
"My mind and my body may grow weak, but God is my strength, He is my portion forever" Psalm 73:26
Melanie Davis
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